Into the Heart of Darkness...

Sometimes, in the course of life, bad things happen. Sometimes they happen for a reason. Sometimes it is pre-ordained. Sometimes it is just bad luck. Well, such a terrible fate was waiting for me at a seemingly innocent gig about a month ago. It has taken me this long just to work through all the trauma of that horrible night. A night that I now feel duty-bound to share with you. To save you, should you find yourself in the same position.

Sit down, gentle readers, and let me tell you a tale...

I was up in Birmingham with an old friend of mine to see A.F.I - by all accounts a cracking band live, and there was much anticipation. The pub we were in was kinda dead, so hoping to grab some good places we headed to the Academy. Little did we know that inside this innocent looking building lurked a terrible darkness. Arriving just as the first opening act were winding down, we grabbed a beer, found some spaces, and settled down to wait out the second act before AFI took the stage. Then began the longest 1/2 hour of my life...

The band was called 'Sick Of It All', and without resorting to cheap jokes, I was. Within about 3 chords. Imagine if you will, dear audience, all the worst parts of metal thrown together. The guitarist was sporting a fake blond mohawk. The bassist looked like a frat party had thrown up on him. The singer had enough ink to put a cartographer to shame. And the drummer... well I can't actually quite remember what the drummer looked like, but in the best tradition of metal drummers, I'm going to assume he looked like the Missing Link.  This was a bad first impression, to say the least, but a band can play good music without good fashion sense? right?

The actual music was basically what you could have expected from a band called 'Sick of it All'. Distortion, fast guitar and screaming. Lots and lots of screaming. The singer's vocal chords must have looked like they'd been through a cheesegrater by the end of the set. From the moment the song started, to the final note, he screamed. If he wasn't screaming, he was pumping his arms trying to get the audience to do the same. And we're not talking about good screaming either. AFI have some screaming, and they can get away with it because it's not too bad - they make it work and they switch it up alot with actual melodic singing. This singer did not stop screaming once. Like literally, there was not a normal recognisable note in the entire set. His voice sounded like a bear with throat cancer. It sounded like an angry squirrel doing Tom Waits impressions.  As you might be able to tell, this was not good singing. You would not find this in a textbook on 'How to Sing'. Except with a big red cross through it. And maybe some skulls for good measure.

As for the songs themselves, well who can tell? Apparently there were some lyrics there, but I honestly couldn't tell - the only word I made out in the whole set was 'die'. And that's only because it was repeated quite alot. So, with the power vested in me, I'm going to declare that all thier songs were heartfelt confessions of their eternal love for puppy dogs, rainbows and big happy smiles. Yeah, that's the ticket - makes me feel much better...

I realise this review is a touch one sided, so I should probably be a bit positive about the music... well the drummer wasn't too bad. He must have had biceps like steel girders to keep up with all the double-time machine-gun drumming going on! And the guitarist... well he certainly knew how to turn on a distortion pedal. I'm just not too sure if he knew how to turn if off again.

I could go on, but I think I've made my point. By the end of the set I couldn't take it anymore - despite my love of metal as a genre, I had to go hide in the loos until the buggers had stopped playing. I did not realise it when I first passed through that dark portal, but that night saw the end of a quest I did not even know I was undertaking. This was not just a bad opening band, gentle readers, no. They were the bad opening band. And somehow, I feel a cold comfort in knowing that things may never be as bad as that dark, dark 30 minutes. I have weathered the storm of terrible thrash-metal, faced up to the demons of god-awful fashion choices. I have endured a band so bad they overcome my abilities to metaphor about just how bad they were. And I have come out stronger. Let it be known, dear readers, that I do such things to warn you from being caught in such a foul trap as I was.

Goodnight.


AFI were good though